An open apology.
When I was on my mission in Arcadia California, while serving in the Glendale Stake my companion was a district leader over a pair of sister missionaries. Because they had a phenomenal amount of baptisms, and they were always asking for help, I got to know the pair quite a bit. I felt a kind of fondness for the junior companion. She had a tremendous smile that would win anyone over. She was funny and smart. Most importantly, she thought I was funny.
I went home probably 6-8 months before her release date, so, after I went home I decided to write her. She wrote me back. We began to write each other. I told her that I wanted to visit her in Utah when she got home. I had always wanted to go to Utah anyway.
A few months after I got home, I found a singles ward. I realized how difficult it would be for me to make it to Utah. I’m from a relatively poor family, and I had no college under my belt and the job I had was really crappy. Truthfully, I couldn’t see doing that sort of thing. Frankly, I was ready to get married, and waiting for her to get home, making an overwhelming life change to make it to Utah, and then things possibly not working out for us was a fear.
In the end, I met a wonderful girl and we were married, actually a few months before this Sister missionary I was writing would get home.
Needless to say, I lost track of the Sister Missionary.
One day, shortly after I got married I was thinking about her. I realized that I might have hurt her. I recalled her telling me one time that one of the reasons she had left on a mission was because she had been engaged, and the guy dumped her. This built a lot of guilt for me. I realized that I may have done the same thing to her. I decided I should call her and apologize. I tracked down the other Sister Missionary that served in that area over the Internet and called her. She got in touch with her while I was on the phone. I was told to never call back.
I hadn’t realized I had hurt her that badly. The guilt is still there today. It’s something that I am having trouble getting rid of. I had a dream last night that I saw this sister missionary and I was trying to apologize to her. She kept running away. Telling me to go away. I asked her if we could be friends and she shunned me. This is all I have been thinking about today.
I think I would feel better if I could just tell her that I was sorry, that I was an unfeeling jerk.
So, if you are out there, I am truly sorry. I was un-deserving of you anyway.